


when it rains (if it's not with you)

by secretlyhuman



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Beginnings, Buck and Eddie are Dumb, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Constipation, Firefam Feels, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Recovery, i think??, running into danger like friends do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25509664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretlyhuman/pseuds/secretlyhuman
Summary: “Chim, are you there?” Maddie wasn’t expecting her fiance to be home, he was supposed to be grocery shopping but it wasn’t unheard of for him to come home and pass straight out after shift end. But there was a coat on the hook (not one she recognised) so someone was in the apartment they shared.She rounded the corner to an unfamiliar man on her couch, knees pressed in tight to his chest. Curled up in a way where all she could really see was long limbs and pale, slim hands. He didn’t move as she approached so she pressed forward and put her hand on one shoulder. The man flinched at the contact and she caught sight of a strawberry birthmark.or the AU where Doug and Buck married and Maddie became a badass lady firefighter and how the two of them rebuild a family.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 311





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i keep starting multi chapter fics, this one i have a plan for but i say that every time. truly i just wanted to write a whole bunch of angst and pining. title was taken from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSQJ5WATPbM) beautiful dodie cover that i had on loop for the whole first chapter
> 
> thanks for reading, kudos and comments make my day

“Chim, are you there?” Maddie wasn’t expecting her fiance to be home, he was supposed to be grocery shopping but it wasn’t unheard of for him to come home and pass straight out after shift end. But there was a coat on the hook (not one she recognised) so someone was in the apartment they shared. 

She made her way forward cautiously, if her job had taught her anything it paid to be careful. Just recently she’d heard of a Texas firefighter getting shot by a kid. 

She rounded the corner to an unfamiliar man on her couch, knees pressed in tight to his chest. Curled up in a way where all she could really see was long limbs and pale, slim hands. He didn’t move as she approached so she pressed forward and put her hand on one shoulder. The man flinched at the contact and she caught sight of a strawberry birthmark.

“Evan? When did you get here?” At his name one heavy sob fell and then they kept falling. The sound made her more sure than ever that she had failed him all those years ago even if she didn’t know why yet. It had been years, she hadn’t seen him since his wedding. She thought of how that day he looked so happy the sun shone from him at the ceremony. 

But that was five years ago. She messaged him the day after wishing him a happy honeymoon and never heard back. She wasn’t sure what she had or hadn’t done and it hurt. For the first few years his absence was constant presence, before there had been Evan and then there was the space he once occupied. This constant ache in her chest that signified a loss she’d never fully understood. She assumed maybe this was just how he was healing from the shitty Pennsylvania childhood, she was part of the life he was moving on from. 

She realises that while she’s lost in her thoughts her baby brother is still sobbing. The noises he’s making land heavy and wet at her feet and she’s pretty sure she’s crying too as she sinks to the floor beside him. They’re positioned in an awkward way, she’s kneeling and trying to wrap her arms around him. It feels like they’re kids again in the worst possible way. Lost and scared and smaller than it should be possible to be. 

She’s glad it had been an easy shift and that she’d been the first one home. Chimney knew about her brother and the space he left but knowing was one thing. Finding him alone and curled into their couch was another. 

At some point Evan must have moved because they’re both crying in each other's arms on the floor when Chim finally gets home, groceries in hand. 

She stands and her joints complain as she stretches. Evan doesn’t rise with her and he looks so frail on her floor that she would burn the whole world down to fix it. He was her baby brother, she raised him and something had hurt him. So bad that he’d come to her in LA, miles away from whatever life he had built. 

“Chimney, meet Evan.” His eyes dart between them, the similarities in their tear stained faces. She sees the exact moment the realisation hits him. She reaches her hand out to her brother and he takes it so softly as he stands. It’s the first time she’s seen him standing and he is so much thinner than she remembers. There is so much less of him than the brother she remembers. 

Chimney, to his credit, takes it in his stride, moving to the kitchen and mumbling something about dinner prep. 

Evan’s hand is still wrapped around hers and she uses it to move him into a hug, slow enough to give him an opportunity to run. He doesn’t and the reality of it all nearly knocks her back to the floor. 

He pulls away first and she wants to pull him back, scared that when she looks away he’ll disappear again. 

“I ran Maddie. I did it and I ran and I found you.” She feels him dissolving again. His voice tears her apart entirely, some part of her had forgotten what her brother sounded like and it’s the best and the worst sound in the world. “He was going to kill me and I found you.” 

Fear carves into the spaces between them; she tightens her grip on his hand. 

“Who was, Evan?”

“Doug, he hated me so much and I was so so scared.” Her fear is replaced with fury, and she thinks of the wedding once more. That morning she’d found him crying, she’d never reconciled it with the joy of the rest of the day. And she’s furious. At herself for not noticing and their parents for raising them in fear and at her brother's husband. She doesn't know what she will do if she sees him, but he will not get to Evan without killing her first. She's feverish and filled with rage. She failed him once, and she would end everything before she did again. 

Dinner that night is silent and surreal, her eyes stay locked on Evan the entire time as he eats at the same blink and you miss it pace he always has and it’s the first time it all feels real. The first time she links the man in front of her with the lanky kid she helped raise. 

They fall asleep curled together like little kids. Him first and she thinks this is probably the first real meal and safe night he’s had in who knows how long. Her ear pressed tight to his chest so she can hear the soft rise and fall of his breathing. 

She doesn’t expect him to still be there when she wakes up. Maybe she hit her head on a call and this is the last flash of neurons, some closure she wanted so badly she couldn’t even imagine it. But then she opens her eyes with the sun and he’s there. He’s there and he’s safe and she’s crying again, quietly so he can stay sleeping. 

Evan’s a lost boy returned, and she’s so proud of this stranger. He got out and that’s what matters to her.

He’s alive.

The thought that if he had waited maybe he wouldn’t be freezes her and she’s up and running to the bathroom. Her stomach empties as it all sinks in. If she ever sees Doug again she’s going to rip him apart. She’ll tear his throat out with her damn teeth before he ever gets near Evan again. 

It’s Chim that finds her shaking on the floor and she’s glad. It’s not her brother's responsibility to deal with all of her guilt. He pulls them together and slowly the information she has leaks out of her. The weight of it lifts slightly. There wasn’t anything she could have done or anyway she could have known, guilt starts to be swallowed by relief. 

She only gets up when she hears the noise of Evan stirring in the room across the hall. A 24 hour shift followed by hours on the floor mean her bones creak in protest as she does. Slowly, she makes her way to the kitchen, stretching out her tired limbs in the process. It seems like the best morning for pancakes, the ones her grandmother used to make them and soon the smell of syrup fills her apartment. She hasn’t used the recipe since the wedding and it feels like change. Like the first blossom of springtime. Despite everything she can’t stop smiling. 

…

When Eddie was a kid his mother thought he could see ghosts. He always thought it was bullshit but if the delicate figure in the shadows of the firehouse is anything to go by maybe she was right. In the glimpses he sees soft eyes and constant movement. There’s a mood in the station he can’t quite place. Maddie especially seems off, disappearing with her dinner into some recess of the place. And Bobby even lets her. Bobby with his insistence that they’re a family and that families eat together. 

He volunteers to work front of house on their next call, figuring maybe the ghost will talk to him when no one else is around. He’s half convinced he’s haunted and half convinced he’s gone mad. Maybe this is some penance for Shannon, for the fact he brought her back only for her to leave Chris once more. 

Front of house is painfully boring, the seconds melt into minutes. He can feel each one passing in mind numbing monotony, and maybe he is mad because the ghost has disappeared entirely. 

Everything snaps back into focus when a woman passes out in front of his desk and he has no idea where the damn first aid kit is. He goes through the motions, checking her airways and her pulse. Or more accurately her lack of a pulse. And he’s shouting for someone, fucking anyone, to bring him the defib bag and call an ambulance because of course the station’s is out. 

He can hear someone running to him and he isn’t sure what he feels when he realises it’s the ghost, gear bag in hand. Without missing a beat the tall man slides to a stop next to him, drops and starts cutting away the womens shirt to apply the sticky defib pads. It’s a practiced ease and Eddie feels something akin to relief. At least he’s being haunted by someone that knows first aid. 

The other man yells clear and Eddie removes his hands. The shock hits the woman but her pulse is still absent under his fingers. Before he can start compressions once more, the ghost is already there with perfect form. Eddie’s relieved, his arms were starting to burn and it means he can radio in the call as he switches to monitor the defibrillator. 

It’s been long enough that they’re both aware that they’re really just going through the motions before they get an almost steady pulse again. Eddie could cry, the ghost is. The paramedics arrive just as they sit up the woman and the two of them fade into the background of the station. 

Eddie gets his first steady look at the man and it’s the first time he’s seemed real. He’s wearing a knit sweater that hangs off him and black jeans. He’s like a watercolour painting of a person, filled with colour so light it’s almost see through. For a while neither of them break the silence, just hold eye contact and catch their breath. 

“Are you a ghost?” The words are out of Eddie’s mouth before he can stop them. It is not a moment he is proud of. “That was a stupid question please don’t tell the team.”

The man maintains eye contact and Eddie isn’t sure but he can see the edges of his mouth twitch. It’s almost a smile and Eddie realises how pretty the man is, all delicate edges on sharp features. He thinks the man actually smiling might be so pretty it kills him. 

“Let me try again? Hi, I’m Eddie and I don’t think you’re a ghost.” He punctuates his sentence by thrusting out his hand, but he’s still surprised when the other man takes it. 

“I’m Buck.” The man’s voice is quiet but he’s really smiling now and Eddie’s bones are melting into the ground. 

“Thanks for the help man, you from a different station.” They haven’t separated their hands yet, he doesn’t know what to think.

“I was a nurse, for a while.” That’s all it takes and the hold between them is broken. The smile disappears. 

The squad finds the two of them on the couch playing some brightly coloured game that had been downloaded for Chris. There’s food on the stove and it smells surprisingly edible so they know Eddie wasn’t the main chef. Laughter fills the fire station and Maddie’s heart swells. She hadn’t remembered what her brother's laughter sounded like, hadn’t heard it since long before the wedding if she’s honest with herself. Sometimes she thinks she can forgive herself for missing the signs but in moments like this anger fills her like ink spreading through water. 

“I see you’ve met my brother, Diaz.” Surprise flutters through Eddie’s face and she realises Buck probably hasn’t said much to the older man. He used to be filled with words but they must have run out at some point because now so much of his time is spent silent. 

The two men looked so at ease with each other Maddie wishes the call had lasted a little longer, given Evan a little more time to just exist as whoever he is now, without the fear or the scrutiny. The way he looked as they’d walked in reminded her of the over excited college student that he’d been. A golden retriever stuck in a giant man. It also makes a change to see Diaz without a furrow between his brows. 

She’d told Bobby just enough that Evan could stay at the station while her and Chim were on shift. She didn’t want him to be alone for any longer than he had to be. The meal he’d cooked while they were gone was perfect and she thought she could get used to having him there and by the looks of it so could Eddie. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short one to set up the rest of the story, this is the fluff before the storm. i listened to a lot of hozier rain edits for this one. i also updated it to five chapters, but they should be up pretty quickly. 
> 
> comments and kudos make my day :)

Eddie is the first friend Buck has made in five years, when he thinks of it like that it’s hard not to feel pathetic. How did this become the person he was. He's tall and strong and he should have known better. Maddie says it isn’t his fault but how could it not be. He should have been smarter and run sooner. 

But when he’s with Eddie he isn’t thinking of any of that. Eddie is the type of guy Buck would have lost his mind over in college. A little shorter than him but made of firm muscle, add in that slow Texas drawl and college Buck would have been a goner. Present Buck just likes his laugh. 

Eddie doesn’t look at him like he pities him and he didn’t realise how nice that would be. The older man’s clearly going through some shit of his own and that preoccupation blinds him to Buck’s baggage. 

It took three days of him at the station before Eddie even acknowledged him which at the time had been so strange. His dark eyes would sort of look through him and Buck would be so aware of his heart beating in his chest, not used to the intensity of Eddie Diaz. it all came into a strange sort of focus that first time they talked. Buck thought Eddie was serious and unapproachable and Eddie thought Buck was a ghost. It was difficult not to laugh at that, especially as for the first time in a long time he felt reassuringly solid. 

That Friday he goes for drinks with Maddie and her new family. His sister looks so happy with them that it hurts him, that he’s missed so much. Her becoming a firefighter of all things had been a surprise to him, but he didn’t really know the woman she was now. The more he thought about it the more sense it made, his sister had always been smarter and stronger than he was. And she wanted to help people more than anything else. He’s glad she found a family when he abandoned her. 

(She says it isn’t his fault and he’s not sure how much he believes her.) 

The bar the 118 takes him to is a little dark and a little musty. But it has proper booths, the kind with round tables and leather seats. He ends up squished between Eddie and his sister and it’s surprisingly nice. The week or so he’s been in L.A he’s rediscovered what it was like to not be thinking about Doug. He spends his time thinking about the future, or the fire station or the sun on his face. The air here smells like the ocean and like being free. It isn’t easy, half the time he’s shaking from the fear of discovery. The other half is more than good enough to be worth it though. 

He hasn’t drank in so long that it only takes two beers for him to cross the threshold from tipsy to drunk. Everything’s sharper but blurred and he feels like his whole chest is made of laughter. If he was just a little more sober he’d be embarrassed. The 118 are amazing.

Eddie Diaz is amazing. 

He’s so quiet and Buck wishes he’d just speak his mind. But Buck has made him laugh a few times now. The proper kind, his head thrown back which reveals the smooth expanse of his throat. Eddie has the cutest kid, he gets shown a picture. The kid’s smile is the spit of his father, it’s kind of magic. 

Slowly the rest of the team slip out. Bobby first, then Hen. Then lastly Maddie and Chim. Before she goes she looks him dead in the eyes, hand firmly on his shoulder and asks if he’ll be okay. How could he know that yet, there hasn’t been enough time to know that yet. But this is pretty nice, with her teammate and his smile. Buck isn’t even sure where okay fits in the life he’s making now. 

Once Maddie leaves there’s a little more silence, the conversation slows into treacle. Buck 1.0 would be all over this man. Buck 1.0 had loved the chase, the thrill of it all. He thinks Eddie might be straight but whichever version of himself he is currently is completely enamoured with the heavy way Eddie looks at him. It’s different to the way everyone else does, he sees ghost Buck who was made of tragedy and glass shards but he also sees the solid man he wants to be.

Or he might just be a little drunk. (It’s got to be that.)

The night glides past them, pushed together in a booth made for countless more people. He hasn’t laughed this much in months and by the looks of it neither has Eddie. He doesn’t know who kisses who first but it feels natural, like sunlight. Eddie’s hand is firm on his waist but his fingertips are gentle tracing patterns he feels through his shirt. They drag each other out, kisses interspersed with more golden laughter. They go to Eddie’s and he texts Maddie, he can’t let her worry when this is the best he’s felt since college.

He’s free and he’s on fire. Nerves alight.

Eddie’s house is nice, big and clean from what he can see as they race through crashing into his bed. The corners of his sheets are folded tight, a habit not yet broken and Buck laughs some more. It makes perfect sense Eddie with his serious eyes and hard won smile is a military man. All that discipline and all that loyalty is so evident in the station it almost overwhelms him here. Buck does not know this man but he hears the rush of blood in his ears and knows him exactly. He thinks maybe in another life he didn’t drop out of the SEALs and this is who he is, the ex soldier who thinks he's haunted. And then Eddie’s hand slips under his shirt and he isn't thinking of much at all apart from an overwhelming need for more. 

His coordinations gone but he’s trying his best to unbutton Eddie’s shirt without disengaging their mouths. They have to pull apart so Buck can remove his t-shirt and Eddie takes over his own buttons. The man is a little shorter than him but delightfully big, his arms are solid enough that Buck wants to bite them. The removal of his shirt allows Buck to see the sharp muscles of his stomach and he could cry with how pretty Eddie is. Eddie is Buck’s teenage dream made real, solid and heavy but with a laugh like cut glass. 

They’re kissing again, hands now travelling against expanses of bare skin. He’s alive in a way he’d forgotten how to be. Eddie’s hands are surprisingly soft against his stomach, and where they touch must be glowing. 

Then Eddie pulls him in a little too rough or kisses a little too hard, maybe he bites his lip. Buck isn’t sure but he’s immediately back in his body, he remembers who he is and he can’t breathe with it. He’s so tired and so small. 

He’s crying in a way he hasn’t in years. That first night he’d sobbed from fear and exhaustion, it had taken every ounce of fight he had left to run. Now it’s a cry of bone deep sorrow and rage. He had been a kid and he built himself a fairy tale, he’d created his own happy ending and the universe had done everything it could to break it and him. He feels the shadow of Doug’s hands on his skin, he wonders if Eddie can see that particular ghost. 

He’s crying into the man’s chest and if it were anyone else he would feel embarrassed, but he can’t shake the feeling that they’re almost the same. Regardless, something in him knows that Eddie won’t judge him, all the mess he hasn’t had time to process. 

They fall asleep in one tangle of limbs, the last tears still staining his cheeks and Eddie’s hand lost in the curls of hair at the base of his neck. 

…

The months melt by and slowly the night starts to fade in Buck’s memory, the faint smell of Eddie’s cologne and the way the sunrise hit him as he woke up burnt into his brain. It’s a gentle thing. A whisper of a relationship or something he can hold onto when the panic and the fear of running start to crawl back in. The first time he’d been held like that since long before his wedding. 

That night occupies sepia toned space in his head but his relationship with Eddie only grows stronger. They don’t see each other as much now that he’s no longer a shadow in the fire station, but they work in the same fields. There’s a lot of overlap between them is all. When you’re a dispatcher it’s handy to have the local station on side. 

He goes to work and he goes to therapy, eats Sunday meals at the station with his sister’s new family. 

One week he tries to cook for them and he feels they forgive him for the disaster. 

(He stands in the kitchen while they’re on a call and the pressure crushes him. He thinks of all the failed meals he’s made, and all the consequences they made for him. The silence and the bruises. He can’t do it. The squad finds him unmoving hours later. Hen leads him to the couch and Eddie makes hot, sweet tea. This is not forgiveness, this is family.) 

Instead they eat takeout on the couches and Eddie sits next to him, their legs pressed close. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really where the plot starts to move! it's got everything: more eddie pov, emotional constipation, and me playing fast and loose with elements of canon. i have not listened to anything but folklore since it came out so that's the soundtrack for probably the rest of this fic. 
> 
> tw for food restriction/ weight loss talk in the context of buck's relationship with doug 
> 
> comments and kudos make my day :)

He’s shattered, a bundle of raw nerves but he doesn’t think that’s what Eddie sees. Eddie trusts him enough to leave his kid with him. That first weird night leaves a soft intimacy between them. Eddie no longer thinks he’s a ghost. They watch movies with Chris and Buck cooks for the two of them. There is less pressure there he finds, Eddie’s cooking is so poor that even Buck 1.0 would have been fine. 

It’s almost what he thought marriage was going to be like. The radio on while he cooks, Chris running round the place, sticking legos together in a way that makes sense to him and completing drawings for every surface. The nice kitchen he's slowly becoming familiar with, filling it with groceries every time Eddie turns his back.

And then there’s Eddie. Eddie who had been married and thinks he was a terrible husband. Eddie who forever sees himself as someone who ran, rather than someone who came back. 

It’s been five months since he got to L.A and he splits his time between Maddie’s guest room and Eddie’s sofa but it’s almost home. That night he’s made pasta bake and garlic bread, and clearly family meals got interrupted at the 118 because Eddie starts eating before it’s even laid out on the table. It makes Chris laugh which in turn makes Buck laugh but the other man is unbothered. The meal is quicker as a result and Buck would be lying if he isn’t a little sad, it means he’ll have to leave earlier.

It’s nights like this he’s at risk of getting so trapped in his own head he doesn’t know how to leave. He’s silent as they walk the dishes through to the kitchen.

“You gotta stop cooking that well or I’m gonna fall in love with you.” Eddie’s words crash into the silence and it’s all Buck can do to breathe for a second. He’s not a man who is easy to love and in that second an imaginary life spirals out in front of him, two and half kids and a white picket fence.

He thought he was done with Love, he had it and it broke him. In those few seconds though he imagines something different from his marriage. Life with Eddie would be so different from the one he escaped. He thinks of that very first night, of the way kissing him was like coming home. Heavy and slow, all sweetness and teeth. Where they are now is so different from that night and he’s glad. Having as a Eddie as a best friend is so much better than a drunk fuck could have been. 

He breaks the silence with a nervous laugh and he sees the relief in Eddie’s eyes at the same time as the strawberry blush. The ease between them is momentarily shattered but he believes it’ll easily be rebuilt. There’s an ease between them that stems from their similarity, their passion and all the fear and worry they both carry. 

…

Maddie loves seeing her brother after a trip to Eddie’s. After each of them he’s a little lighter, with each night he becomes more like the kid she knew. There’s relief in that, her brother had more than anything been a joyful man. Seeing all that joy ripped from him had been so painful. Buck without laughter and over eager smiles was a hollow compromise of the person she loved. 

With each passing day she got closer to forgiving herself for letting him get hurt so badly. Though, and she would never tell him, some nights she still woke sobbing, different versions of that first night playing through her mind. 

…

Eddie’s buying a Christmas tree when he sees the second potential ghost. He’s still not unconvinced of ghosts, often he catches something in the corner of his eye that could be a haunting. This new ghost is a little more pale than any L.A native would be and the strong kind of thin. He has sharp eyes but they’re lost and unfocussed. He hasn’t seen anyone as ghostly as Buck was since he had arrived. The people he thinks might be usually just need help, something to hold on. He figures that some people probably see him like that. 

The new ghost helps him buy a tree. When he gets home he tells Chris that the tree was picked out by a Christmas spirit and his son laughs loud and long. It’s the first Christmas after Shannon and he needs to make it perfect for his boy. The 118 don’t have to work Christmas this year and he’s never been more relieved. He can’t let his kid down anymore than he has in the past. 

Buck will likely want to spend the day with his sister but Eddie thinks it’s worth asking. The taller man seems so much less see through after the months he’s spent in L.A. and he’s so good with Chris. Eddie just wants Chris’ life to be filled with people that truly adore him, that see how brilliant he is. And Buck dotes on his boy. 

There’s definitely no selfish motivation in asking. He definitely isn’t still thinking of that night where they stumbled from the bar to his bed. He extra definitely doesn’t have a massive crush on his best friend. There are two warring forces in his head. One loves Buck’s friendship and is so proud of all the progress he’s made since arriving. He doesn’t know what the man was like before but he can see how much less haunted he is now. The other loves that but wants more. Wants a do over to prove how good he could be for Buck, how good they could be together. 

Eddie’s never been a hook up type of person but he would have done anything for Buck that night, when they kissed he felt shining, silver. He kind of hates himself for whatever he did that night that catapulted Buck right back into the painful parts of his head. 

By the time he puts Chris to bed he’s entirely forgotten the Christmas ghost and he’s prepared to text Buck to ask about Christmas. It would be nice they could be a family, even just for a day. 

Being with Buck feels more like marriage than his actual marriage did. He loved Shannon and Shannon brought him Chris who was the most important thing in his universe. But even by the time of their wedding he wasn’t sure they liked each other. Their relationship had always been stretched tight, ready to tear right through the centre. And then she left not once but twice and he can never tell Chris that, that’s anger he has to carry on his own. The closest he gets to forgetting it is when he’s sat on the couch with his boys, watching whatever the most recently released animated feature is. 

(Buck insists they watch them for Chris, and neither Eddie nor Chris has the heart to tell him the boy prefers old action movies.)

So he’ll text Buck and ask for Christmas. Even if Buck says no, he’ll feel wanted at the Diaz residence.

...

His new family is at work when he gets the text. 

_ unknown: hey princess x _

Buck knows straight away he’s been found and it takes every ounce of self control he has not to just run and keep going. He survived without family for five years; he could do it again if it means Doug can never find him, never catch him. He saves the new number into his phone as  _ asshole _ and the slight rebellion sends a thrill of excitement through him.

He’s not looking forward to Christmas. Last Christmas he’d nearly died. (Nearly been killed.) The thought of the tinsel and lights and presents is so desperately far from the way his life has been that he barely recognises them. When he and Maddie had been kids Christmas had been sacred, the one time his parents were all the way there and he’s so frustrated that it’s been taken from him. 

And now Doug has his number, this is the Christmas he dies. 

The name princess had always been a jab, so of course it’s how he’d reintroduced himself. When he and Doug had met he’d been a sophomore, taller than Doug as well as stronger. Physical strength had been the first thing Doug had taken from him. Constantly prodding at him that he didn’t like big guys, that he should work out less, didn’t he want to be attractive. And then once he wasn’t strong anymore, the jabs about how weak and how feminine he was started. 

Oh princess don’t bother lifting a finger I’ll do that. (Quit acting like such a princess and get it right.)

Once they’d married it hadn’t just been his strength Doug commented on, it was every aspect of his appearance.. How he could stand to lose a few pounds or should he really be eating that. There was a photo Maddie had taken that first night in the bar that makes Buck sick. Really it was no wonder Eddie thought he was a ghost when he looked so faded, half starved. 

He knows the text has him spiraling but he’s not sure how to fix it yet, not even sure he’s breathing. The attorney he’d found in L.A had said this might happen, that filing divorce papers might be the thing that got him found. But he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t have the shadow of a hateful marriage hanging over the rest of his life. He deserved more than being tied to that asshole forever. 

For some reason he finds himself thinking of his parents. He didn’t talk to them much before the wedding, his whole childhood strained by their issues. Maddie had raised him, not them. They’d been honest to God, surprised he was marrying a man, despite having met multiple previous boyfriends. And unfortunately catching a hookup in the act. They probably didn’t know about the running and the divorce or that he’d been one bad day away from being murdered. They’d likely think it was to be expected, that this was what he got for being a queer high school drop out. 

(They still didn’t understand he wasn’t a drop out. He’d just switched schools so he could move in with Maddie sooner.) 

He wonders if they miss him the way his sister did. They won’t have he’d only seen them once in the year before the wedding and all its preparations. They didn’t know Buck 1.0 and all their nonsense made that man that Doug picked out from a crowd. They don’t get to know the good man he is now, the strong person he’s become when they were the first thing to hold him back. 

That‘s the thought that coaxes him back into movement. He’s now a person that his parents wouldn’t recognise and that creates a warmth in the pit of his stomach that only Maddie could understand. He wishes he could have seen the fight he’s sure occurred when she told them she was becoming an L.A firefighter. 

The second text comes shortly after but it doesn’t shake him as thoroughly, just coats him with a heavy resignation,

_ asshole: im on my way x  _

If this hadn’t been his life since he was nineteen he’d be frantic with fear. But now he’s just tired, wants Doug to find him so it can be over and he can move on. He desperately wants to move on, for good and for real. Not this almost moving where the memory of broken ribs and death threats is a film over the good life that he so desperately wants. 

That night he gets a text from Eddie asking about Christmas, he wants it so badly. Eddie is so much better than he could have dreamed while running. The text is such a welcome change he could kiss Eddie the next time they meet. Not that he wouldn’t kiss Eddie most of the time, but that boat sailed when he had a panic attack in the man's bed. He deletes the texts from Doug and shoots a quick reply to his friend.

Christmas morning with Maddie, the afternoon with Eddie and Chris. The station party in the evening. Christmas is slightly less threatening when the day is filled with people he cares about. 

…

The second time Eddie sees the newest ghost is at the bar. He’s drinking one beer and staring straight ahead, chewing on his lip in the most aggressive nervous tick Eddie’s seen since he left the army. The man is still paler than seems natural, the flush across his cheeks neon bright in the dim bar light. He’s a strange kind of almost handsome, but he’s held back by the look in his eyes. Feral and uncontrolled. 

He takes a seat next to the ghost and orders himself a beer. 

“My son loved the tree.” The ghost looks surprised for a second but Eddie thinks that he recognises him. The man takes a sip of his beer and smiles a smile with too many teeth. There’s something predatory in the strangers' smile. 

“Glad, I could help.” and that’s the start of Eddie’s second friendship with a ghost, or someone almost ghostly. This man seems reluctant to talk about himself so Eddie finds himself babbling about the station and Chris and being a Texas man who ran from home. The ghost just takes it all. If it weren’t for the fact the man has ordered several beers, Eddie would be entirely convinced he’s talking to a dead man. 

Soon the conversation moves to his job, to the most recent averted disaster. There’s a flash of something behind the man’s eyes that unsettles Eddie, but only for a second. 

“You’re a firefighter.” It’s the first time the man’s spoken in a while and a rush of embarrassment tingles in the tips of his fingers. He’s definitely been talking too much to this stranger, ghost or no. 

“Yeah, it’s why I moved to L.A.” There’s that too sharp smile again, and Eddie thinks maybe he should leave.

“So you probably know the Buckleys, right?” He continues as he notes confusion on Eddie’s face. “We all went to college in New York together.” 

Eddie has to pause to think before he replies, given what he knows about Buck’s past he’s reluctant to give any information to a stranger. His friend hasn’t told him about a single person who would come running from New York to them, at least not one with good motives. He doesn’t know what to say and he feels stupid for unloading his baggage on this man, searching through every thing he’s said to make sure he hasn’t mentioned Buck. 

“Hey, don’t stress man. I know what their parents were like. I can see why they ran out here.” This does reassure Eddie as much as he thinks it should. Sure from what he’s heard the Buckleys were not the best parents, but clearly there was a much bigger issue that sent Evan running west. 

“I’ve got to go, um, I just got a text from my kid’s carer.” The excuse falls flat, it sounds fake even to Eddie but it’s the best he has. His hands start to shake as he picks up his jacket, he can’t help the feeling that he’s put Evan in grave danger. His friend hasn’t said much about his husband but Eddie knows it was bad. He’s almost out the door the next time the ghost man speaks. 

“Tell Evan I said hello.” 

…

He doesn’t know how to say it, how to tell Buck he thinks something is drastically wrong. A man from New York asked about you just doesn’t convey the deep seated unease Eddie feels about the whole thing. A man from New York who he’d nearly let into their lives. Eddie might be overthinking it but really he knows he isn't. This isn’t a coincidence or something he can brush off. 

His best friend, the man he trusts most with his son, was running and now he’s been found. And Eddie contributed to the finding. 

They’re drinking beers on the couch and it would be any other night if Eddie didn’t feel as though he were dying. His hearts going to beat out of his goddamned chest any second. It’s a week before Christmas and he needs to make sure he doesn’t fuck this up. Buck should get to have Christmas with people that love him. He can’t start running again, not when people love him here. Eddie loves him here. (He doesn’t stop to unpack that thought, of course he loves him in whatever way Buck will allow.) 

“Did something happen with Chris today?” This is not what Eddie expected for the night. 

“No, I just-” He’s fidgeting with the label of his beer bottle. He’s let Buck down, let down someone who's part of his family. He knows when he says the words Buck will start running again and he’ll have to explain to Chris that another person he loved left him. “I think. I think I met Doug, I think he’s here.” 

The room is flat and airless. Neither of them dare breathe in. 

“I know.” This is the last thing Eddie expected. “He’s been texting me, I haven’t replied.” 

Anger flares through Eddie at the whole awful situation. He knows it’s not reasonable to be mad at Buck, if anything Buck should be mad at him. But Doug’s been talking to him, maybe to them both and Buck said nothing. It’s clear the man is dangerous, he could have hurt one of them. 

Buck’s face is painted with hurt and he becomes aware that he's halfway between talking and yelling. But he’s mad, he just wants to protect his family. 

“You put Chris at risk. You put yourself at risk. How could you be so stupid?” The words fall between them before he can even stop them. He means them as he does but instantly regrets the choice, and how loud they’ve come out. The look in Buck’s eyes is one he’s never seen before, hurt of course but also fear. He’s being awful and he knows it but he doesn’t know what else to do. 

All he can do is keep talking and when he starts again his voice is soft and hoarse and tired. 

“I just want you to be safe, you’re my family Buck. You’re not on your own this time.” 

The look is still there and he’s not sure Buck’s heard a word he’s saying. He’s ruined a good thing, he wouldn’t blame Buck if he runs now. Eddie and his kid and his mess were never really an option. In one last attempt at smoothing the cracks he’s made he reaches for Buck’s shoulder and the second his hand connects, no more than a brush of fingertips, Buck flinches. 

That’s what breaks the look. Faintly Eddie can hear himself apologising, but his voice is far away. He thinks he’s left his body, that's the only explanation. Buck isn’t looking him in the eyes anymore. 

“I’m gonna. I should go.” Buck’s words move slowly like they’re moving through water. It’s less speech, more of an exhalation and Eddie can’t move. He thinks he should be stopping him but that might just make Buck think he’s more of a threat. He hears the door close and knows it’s too late, something has been broken and it may be unfixable. It’s not a surprise to him, Eddie Diaz ruins his perfect family. It’s basically the thing he’s best at at this point. 

…

_ princess: where do you want to meet _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for this! next chapter goes up tomorrow and then its done!
> 
> comments and kudos make my day :)
> 
> tw: described past domestic violence and scenes of violence in present

Buck meets him at a motel. He hasn’t seen his husband since that murky summer night where he packed a rucksack and ran until his feet bled. The hotel is five minutes from the station and Buck feels sick through his stomach, spilling out into the rest of his abdomen. Doug has been here, maybe the whole time. He knows Eddie was right, he has a family now and he has to protect them. This is the best way to keep Eddie out of Doug’s sight. This way there’s no chance Doug gets his hands on his family.

That’s the deal, and they’re both men of their word. All Buck has to do is stop running. 

Doug’s drunk when he opens the door and there’s something like relief in that. Drunk means stumbling and slurred words, it’s probably the best case. He tries to hide his shaking hands, it’s a weakness he can’t allow himself. Drunk Doug will be mouthy, but he should keep his hands to himself. He’s not the man he was six months ago, he can handle whatever Doug says. He has people that love him now. 

…

Eddie doesn’t expect to hear from Buck that night but he hopes he will. What he really hopes is that Buck will show up on his doorstep so he can apologise a thousand times over and then kiss his best friend. That would be the best case on any night. But on this night, where the monster has been made real, even thinking it is a prayer. 

He tries to sleep, he really does but it’s impossible. He isn’t sure if he’ll be able to sleep again without fixing things with Buck. He’d flinched. Eddie had made him flinch. He doesn’t know how to fix that. His night is spent pacing the apartment, cycling through the bedroom, living room, and kitchen. Every now and then he sits and he thinks in those twenty minute bursts he must sleep a little, but he also might just be staring at the walls and trying not to crawl out of his skin. 

When the morning light starts to filter in he lies on the floor by Chris, sleeps a little more. His son’s gentle breathing soothing him more than anything else could. 

He’s there when the door knocks. It has to be Buck, who else could it be than Buck. He isn’t sure if it’s the knocking that wakes Chris or him stumbling on the way out of the room. He hears the telltale grumbles of his son waking as he races to the door, clipping himself on several corners in the process. 

He throws himself through the door and into one Maddie Buckley. She looks as if she’s slept as much as he has, her eyes underscored with deep, purple shadows.

“Do you know where Evan is?” A horrible sludge settles in his gut at her words, he knows what this means and he hates it. He hates himself. He pushed Evan to this, this was all him. If he’s not with his family then he’s running, no matter the direction they have to find him. Whatever he’s facing he shouldn’t have to be alone. 

It’s the idea that Buck’s alone that makes him cry. Eddie Diaz is not a man that cries easily, he can probably count on one hand the number of times he has in Christopher’s lifetime. So really, these aren’t just tears for Buck. They’re tears for Shannon and for that night in the desert where he was convinced he’d never see the sun again. They’re tears for him and his boy. He’s vaguely aware that Maddie is still on his doorstep and he hasn’t answered her question. 

She’s his real family and that makes him cry harder. His selfishness sent Buck running away from her as well. He can feel her hands on his shoulders as she guides him back into the apartment, onto the threadbare couch. Chris is instantly there in his lap and he pulls the boy tight. For once he accepts with none of his usual wriggling. Slowly, the crying subsides and he feels wrung out and raw. Like all those tears cleared off the top layer of skin and Maddie’s staring at him expectantly. 

She knows what he’s going to say but he knows he has to be the one to say it. 

“I think.” His throat is raw so he has to pause. “I think he was here and then Evan went back to him.” 

The tears spill back up and he swallows hard, attempting to keep them in place. His fear is mirrored in Maddie, a horrible confirmation. Buck must have texted her before he left, he wouldn’t have willingly left her in the dark again. But he has, he’s left both of them. Something that’s almost anger bubbles up with all the fear and the guilt and he hates that he’s even almost mad with his best friend. 

Chris has started to wiggle in his lap and he doesn’t want to expose the boy to this. He looks Maddie in the eye and she seems to understand, all the awful shifts in the world couldn’t have made her look this tired.

A call to Carla and a cup of coffee later, and it’s just the two of them in his apartment. The space has never felt more silent. 

“We should call Athena, she’ll know what to do.” 

…

It’s not that Buck forgot that drunk Doug would sober up, more that he chose to ignore it. He just has to take each day as it comes and hope they keep coming. Eddie was right, there was only so long he could ignore the texts before Doug would turn. And the man had found Eddie, it would only have been a matter of time before he found Maddie, or worse, found Chris. That kid deserved the world, he should never have to worry about this. Never have to experience the fear and the running that Buck had. 

The next morning Doug has a hangover, which is not good for his long term odds. So he’s quiet and obedient. He doesn’t ask for anything or say anything unless spoken to. He aches for his family. 

It’s just not freaking fair. 

The morning is going well, Doug doesn’t look like he wants to kill him. Until he does. They’re sitting at the small table in the room. Doug with coffee, himself with tea. (Coffee is for the real man. More than anything he wishes he could be at Eddie’s drinking the terrible coffee from the pot.) The look in his eyes just changes, one minute he’s fine and the next they might as well be red. At this point there’s still a chance it’ll blow over so he stays as still as possible, regularly taking small sips of his drink. He wishes he could just melt into the furniture, dissolve right before the other man's eyes.

It’s when he stands up that it goes bad. He’s walking and then he’s not. He’s thrown up against the wall and he can feel Doug snarling behind his head. Buck’s the taller of the two of them and in another situation the thought would make him laugh. 

“You left. You will not get another chance to.” He feels more than hears the words against the back of his neck, and a chill drips treacle like down his spine. His arm is twisted up against his back, and he knows bruises are already forming where fingers are digging in. 

“Yes, sir.” The honorific attaches itself in a horrible habit, but he knows it was the right choice when he feels the grip on his arm start to loosen slightly. 

…

Athena is a godsend to the two panicked firefighters. She is calm and she is reasonable. Until they know Buck is safe Eddie is not going to be able to manage either of those things. On her arrival she pulls both of them close in to perfect hugs. Maddie immediately tears up and Eddie isn’t far from it, instead he focuses on her hands on his back and the heavy scent of her perfume. She smells vanilla and a cologne that he thinks Bobby must have stolen from her because he almost recognises it. 

He was so afraid that she was going to treat them like crazy people. It takes the two of them a while to get it out, the words are sticky in his throat. But as they make their way through it her expression hardens. It’s impressive he can see the switch from friend to detective. Once they finish silence settles back down, a blanket of minor comfort. The silence means she’s thinking, means she’s taking them seriously. 

“From what you’ve told me, Evan went willingly.” Her voice is slow and measured. It aggravates Eddie and the anger that had been a drop earlier becomes a flood.

“How willingly can you go back to someone that’s going to kill you.” His voice is louder than intended and the anger drains away as Athena narrows her eyes. It is truly no one's fault but his own. 

He remembers a story Buck told him once, wasted on cheap beers. He said he’d knocked a table with a glass on it and the glass had shattered all over the patio. They’d been Doug’s mothers glasses and they’d brought them out while they drank wine and talked about starting a family. He’d been pulled up and pushed down into the mess of table, glass and spilt wine. He’d been cut up real bad by it. 

Eddie remembers Buck lying on his living room floor, eyes unfocussed on the expanse of the ceiling while describing the twinkle of the strings of lights in their garden. How small Buck’s voice had sounded as he described that helpless, lost feeling. As he wondered if he was going to bleed out into the garden of a place he’d once considered his dream house. 

There was no chance of willingness, only of self sacrifice but he doesn’t know how to explain that to Athena without giving away a piece of himself that he’s not yet ready to share. 

His heart aches in his chest, all he wants is a do over of the past twenty four. There are so many things he could have done better. So many more ways he could have protected the man he loves. 

Athena clearly understands their fear, Buck has become a central part of the 118. He wonders if Bobby knows what his wife is doing, if he tried to stop her getting involved. He’s glad she’s taking her time to think it over but he wishes they were moving. He needs to be doing something for his friend or he’s going to burst out of his skin. 

“I’m going to make some calls.” Athena’s eyes flick between them, measuring their reactions. “I will see if we can get a trace on his phone.” 

It’s another slow process and Eddie is bouncing off the goddamn walls. His heart has expanded, he can feel it beating in every inch of his body. He could explode with it all. There is nothing he can do but watch Athena on the phone and it’s torturous.

Maddie keeps making coffee. He thinks adding caffeine to the cocktail of his anxiety is likely a bad choice so he cut himself off early, but they haven’t. 

Once Athena finishes her calls there’s silence once again. Any comfort it once held has vanished. Every second they are here is another second Buck’s alone, another second he’s stuck with a monster. Maybe he’s in a fable or a tragedy, something awful is about to happen to teach the world a lesson. That would be his luck. Eddie Diaz has always been a cautionary tale, his life just one critical mistake after the next. 

It could be five minutes after she finishes the call or five hours but Athena gets up and pulls Maddie with her. She might have said something but Eddie’s not sure his ears work anymore. She doesn’t bring her phone, which seems neglectful if you ask him, but no one is. So he just stares at the rectangle of circuits and screens. He’d never actually thought about how long it would take to trace a phone but the result is an unending nightmare for a man who is so used to running head first into danger. 

And then, mercifully it goes off. 

He’s on it in a second and no one is in the room so he reads it. Buck, or at least Buck’s phone, is in a motel. And if he’s googled it right, he’s only a twenty seven minute drive away. 

He’s not even thinking about his actions when he notes it down in his phone and he certainly isn’t as he gets in his truck and starts to drive. 

…

Buck is surprised when he hears the commotion at the motel. Someone outside the door is yelling his name and he aches to just run out the door. But between him and the exit is a man both stronger and more pissed off than he is. 

“What did you do?” It’s a roar rather than a shout, Doug’s voice impossibly loud in the confined space. “How did they find us?” 

The other man is in his space, close enough he doesn’t even dare to breathe out. This could be it for him, at least he can go knowing that someone came looking.

…

Athena must be hot on his tail, so he has minutes at most to find Buck. He lost the man so he has to bring him home. He can’t be the reason Buck is lost to his family. He’s shouting Evan’s name in the plain hope it would be so easy, but maybe he’s making it worse. 

There were only three rooms registered in the guestbook, so this shouldn’t be hard.

First one comes out, then the other. It’s easy to guess from there where Buck is. He’s so close, he can feel Buck’s eyes on him, almost like that first day where they saved a stranger's life. 

He starts hitting on the third door. Eddie thinks he can hear shouting behind it and his throat tightens.. He wonders what this looks like to the other guests. Do they think he’s a cop, a tormented ex lover? Do they see the fear in him? 

The door swings open and he stops it just in time to avoid hitting the ghost. There is a strange satisfaction in knowing his instinct about the man was right.

“Look, I’m just here for Buck. This doesn’t have to be a fight.” He’s sure he would sound more convincing if his voice wasn’t raw from all the crying and shouting that’s taken place.

The ghost looks furious, like an old painting of a war god. With that Eddie knows there’s no easy solution to this. The man has made up his mind. So he moves to bring his hands up and steady his feet. He’s been trained to fight, he’s ready. He’s so focussed on who’s going to throw the first punch, he never even notices the knife until it’s deep between his ribs.

He thinks he screams Buck’s name as he falls to the ground and the world turns white. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're done! thanks for sticking with me folks!
> 
> comments and kudos make my day :)
> 
> cw: hospitals, injury recovery

The hospital room is awfully, glaringly white. Buck feels like his brain is pressing against the insides of his skull, it maybe wouldn’t be as bad if the lights were just a little dimmer. It would be even better if Eddie woke up. He doesn’t know how long it takes to wake up after getting stabbed and the following major abdominal surgery but so far it’s been sixteen hours and thirty four minutes which seems like far too many. At what point should he go from my best friend got stabbed worry to my best friend is dying in front of me worry. 

And when he hits the second one what should he tell Christopher? 

The room has had a revolving door of firefighters but he’s stayed constant, this torture is what he deserves. He put Eddie in danger by trying to stay and then he’d got him stabbed by trying to run. He has to bear witness to whatever happens next, carry the weight of it for the rest of his life. Even if Eddie recovers fully, he took a good man from the people that loved him and he can’t even figure out why Eddie followed him in the first place. 

He doesn’t think he’s processed it yet, the whole rotten lot of it. It was safe to say it had escalated well past his expectations. His leg casted and Eddie laid out in a hospital bed, the only noise the symphony of mechanical beeps and trills. And Doug was - well he didn’t know. He’d seen the bullet rip through the man as he walked ever closer. He didn’t stay to see what happened next, he just ran out as fast as he could on a broken leg. 

He’d run to Eddie, and to Athena who was already there putting pressure on the wound. He’d never seen Eddie so pale. He looked like he was dying. That’s the image that’s fixed on the inside of his eyelids, Eddie DIaz bleeding out in some shitstain motel all because of him. 

He never should have stayed in L.A, he should have kept running and kept them all safe. (His hand is wrapped tightly round Eddie’s that he can’t imagine letting go.)

He can hear Maddie’s footsteps behind him but he can’t stand to turn around in case Eddie dissolves while he’s not looking. 

“It’s not your fault, Evan.” Her voice is so soft it almost breaks him, he is undeserving of the gentleness she is offering.

“You have to say that, you’re my sister.” It would be funny if it wasn’t just horrible and tragic. Eddie brought sunshine into his life, reminded of all the good the world had to offer. And in return he brought misery and pain and fear. He was good at ruining things, not just good but brilliant. He excelled at it. And it was Eddie that was paying for it, even though he was a goddamn miracle of a man. 

“I don’t have to say anything.” She sounds just like she did when they were kids, arguing over any dumb thing. They’ve always been too stubborn for their own good and it’s almost reassuring to him that her stubborn streak doesn’t stop at the hospital doors. “They’re bringing Chris in in half an hour, try and look alive for him.”

He knows she’s right, he can’t look despairing when Chris arrives, the boy will pick up on it. The doctors say Eddie is doing as well as could be expected after a knife between the ribs, but Buck’s still counting the seconds until Eddie opens his eyes. 

…

Eddie Diaz hates hospitals. He spent enough time in them, cradling his medal and praying to a God he still isn’t sure he believes in, while he was in Afghanistan. The lights and the noise make him feel clammy all over. In his day to day life he is so acutely aware anything you do could be the thing that gets you sent there with no chance of return. 

Slowly, he comes back to himself. Chris is curled up to his side and someone is holding his hand so tight it’s almost bruising. Even slower, he realises that someone is Buck. The realisation is like water in a desert, if Buck is holding his hand in a hospital then Doug doesn’t have him.

He isn’t quite in his body and from what he remembers that should be another relief. He remembers the feeling of the knife, he knows that will be the moment playing in his head at the end of every nightmare. Seeing Buck cowering in the corner of a room as they’re both confronted with the worst case scenario. 

It isn’t quite the worst if they both made it out alive.

It takes a while for his boys to recognise he’s awake and he’s glad. It gives him the space to adjust to it all. He isn’t sure how much time has passed since the fight, but he knows that however long it’s been, rivals the day Shannon died for his absolute worst days. He fucked up again, he ran after Buck and he could have left his boy without a father. The idea of Chris alone freezes him and he starts to cry, alerting them to his awakeness. 

Soon all three of them are crying and he feels unbelievably guilty. 

…

He and Eddie get a taxi to his house, neither in a fit state to drive. He’s a little glad, it would be unfair to expect a man who's recently been stabbed to climb into his truck.It’s been five days and another surgery, and Buck’s heart is hammering in his throat as he helps Eddie from wheelchair to car seat. There’s a drawn look on the older man’s face that Buck can tell means he’s pulled something in a way it shouldn’t be pulled in the mess of cuts and stitches his torso has become. 

They drive in silence and Buck understands. He wouldn’t blame Eddie if he never wanted to see his face again. Maybe he should have got flowers to welcome him home, but he couldn’t tell which flowers say I’m sorry my selfishness got you stabbed, please don’t ban me from your life. 

Chris has spent the week with Abuela and with Hen and her boy, he’s been doted on by the 118 but it’s three days before Christmas and Buck needs to make sure he has a good Christmas. He put up extra lights and trinkets and shoved more presents under the tree in the few minutes of each day he hasn’t been by Eddie’s side. He’s done all the dishes and all the laundry, and cleaned every surface. He has done everything he can to make himself indispensable to Eddie, this new type of fear propelling him into motion.

That’s the most unsettling part. He has been so used to fear, to the constant, sinking feeling of danger. It’s the old jacket he wears every day. He’s intimately acquainted with the way it feels and the way it tastes deep at the back of his throat. He thought he knew fear. But, he’s recently discovered the fear of needing. He needs his family, needs the Diaz boys. They make his life better and brighter, them leaving would make him more of a ghost than Doug ever could.

He’s done everything he can, all Eddie has to do is tell him to stay. 

(What he hasn’t done is slept. He’s so tired that every cell in his body aches with it but he can’t sleep until he knows for sure.)

He helps Eddie from the car, holds his arm as they walk to the door. For now they’re one unit and if he wants it to be for always then that’s between him and whichever god is listening. The sun is setting as he rummages for the keys. Even stabbed and smelling like hospital, Eddie looks perfect in the golden hour light. They enter and the older man’s face brightens ever so slightly, at the extra decorations and Buck preens just a little. At least he did this right for Eddie.

Eddie makes his way straight to his room, Buck hovering anxiously by his side. When they get in, Eddie peels off his shirt as if the other man isn’t even there. Even under the mess of surgery, his chest is still perfect. Buck wants to kiss every new scar, worship the man any way possible. He’s blushing so hard it runs all the way through him, and he mumbles something about getting Eddie some water to maintain the smallest amount of dignity. What’s left after that very first perfect night and cleaning the house of a man who’d probably rather he didn’t exist. 

When he returns Eddie is stretched across the bed in just his boxers and for a second Buck thinks he might faint. He crosses the room as quickly as he can to place down the water glass. He just needs to leave the room before he does something stupid. 

Eddie’s hand is on his wrist before he can even turn to go.

“Stay.” He doesn’t know how to explain that if he does leaving wil kill him, not whe Eddie’s looking at him like that. “Please.” 

He can’t say no to that, even as every atom is screaming at him to run. Slowly he removes his shirt, then his pants, awkward over his cast. He climbs in so carefully, not moving the bed at all. The second he’s laying down Eddie is curled into him and he falls into a perfect sleep. 

…

Buck wakes with Eddie Diaz in his arms and it seals his fate. He is perfect, pink and fluttering. If Eddie wakes up and tells him to leave he will, but he’ll spend the rest of his days fighting to win back this perfect family of theirs. He can finally identify the feeling that’s been in his stomach for months. This is love, but the kind that gives you more than you could dream, a far cry from the draining, hideous screech of his marriage. 

He checks the clock and sees Chris will be back soon. So he gets up, dresses in a pair of sweats he kept there and one of Eddie’s t-shirts. It’s a little small but it smells like the other man, all sugar and smoke. 

Before he goes, he presses one kiss in the centre of Eddie’s forehead, the other man grumbles slightly in his sleep. He looks so much younger like this, tangled in the sheets and his face relaxed. Then he goes to the kitchen and makes his grandmother’s pancakes, feeling more at home than he ever has. 

He doesn’t hear Eddie wake up. He only realises when he feels a kiss pressed right to the nape of his neck. It lasts a fraction of a second but his whole body is on fire. Kisses like that don’t come from hate, a kiss like that can only be a good sign.

His mind is changed when Eddie starts to speak.

“We should talk-” 

He keeps his eyes fixed on a mixing bowl but starts to speak as fast as possible.

“I get it if you hate me, but I need you and I need this family and I think I’m in love with you but I don't kn-”

Not for the first time Eddie wraps his hand around one of Buck’s arms, careful to be gentle, not to startle him. This time he turns the man slowly so they’re almost nose to nose. Then he moves forward, almost slow motion and presses one more kiss to Buck’s lips and the man falls silent.

Clearly, there is no hate between them so Buck catalogues what there is. A mixing bowl and so much air. He almost throws the bowl on to the counter and then his hands are on Eddie as gently as they can be. Soon there isn’t even air and he is electric gold.

***

_five months later_

They’re making the meal together in the 118 kitchen. It’s Eddie’s day off so he’s wearing a deep red henley rather than his uniform shirt but they wanted to do a real family dinner. It feels like a far cry from that almost meal months before. Buck feels like he can finally breathe. 

It’s been a year and all the ghosts are starting to fade away; he doesn’t have to run any more.

Maddie is staring at him from across the room and he can smile at her freely. He ran to L.A and now he gets to stay, this gets to be his life. He didn’t know how much he had missed his sister until she was back in his life. There’s no trace of the shadow that arrived in her apartment almost a year ago. That man dissolved with the change of the seasons.

His leg doesn’t ache anymore and Eddie can lift his arms all the way up without wincing. And as they healed they built the type of relationship he always wanted. He has someone who holds him when he wakes up from nightmares, someone who’s there for every imperfect piece his life before created. 

When he finishes making the meal, he and Eddie serve it to people that love him and he smiles so wide he can feel it through to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come join me on [tumblr](https://im-just-a-line-in-a-song.tumblr.com/) if you like! (please ignore my 2014 style username lmao)


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